Fluidity
by A.S. Randall
Summary: What happens when you're so focused on perfection that you lose all the things that should matter most to you? How do you find your way in the world when the one you love turns away at a time when your family needs them most? Can love outlast anything or is it best to let sleeping dogs lie? Follow the story of Callie and Arizona as their family falls from their high pedestal.


"_The brain is the human body's most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see, what we hear. It lets us feel love. I think it holds our soul. And no matter how much research we do, no one can really say how all that delicate grey matter inside our skull works. And, when it's hurt, when the human brain is traumatized, well, that's when it gets even more mysterious."-Calliope Iphegenia Torres_

_**Arizona POV**_

All surgeons, plastics, peds, neuro, ortho…it doesn't matter the specialty, each and every one of us walk the line between gory and glory. Every day we straddle the line between saving lives and being labeled murders. One wrong move and our entire careers can be called into question. A single botched suture job could land us with a lawsuit quicker than you can say angioplasty. Of course, this kind of demand upon any individual would require that they be endowed with an overwhelming sense of self.

A former instructor once said that one of biggest things any surgeon would master was to be arrogant without being cocky. Arrogance is a cherished trait among us all. We have to believe we're the best at what we do in order to make it through the bad days and provide the same quality of care to every single patient. Cockiness is a different story. No surgeon should ever be cocky. It's okay to believe you are the best, you can even shout it from the roof tops if you like. But, never let you head get so big that you feel infallible. No one is above tragedy, not even surgeons because when tragedy strikes close to home and the scalpel is out of your hand, you are only human.

In the OR, you may walk tall, but outside of the hospital walls life will be waiting to burst your pretty pink bubble and the perfection you work so hard at maintaining will leave you bare with nowhere to turn. You are not infallible. I was no stranger to this truth, having faced reality many times over. Yet, that never made it any easier to stomach. Nothing could mold the sharp, unrelenting edges of life into the smooth perfection of a clean incision produced via scalpel. No, life would not bend for me and I was tired of trying to make it.

"I will not let you treat her like this; Sofia has done nothing to warrant this kind of mistreatment from you of all people. You will go and you will visit our daughter." I shouted at my wife in the on call room, ready to cut her down at the knees if it would make her listen.

"You won't let me? I'm not a child Arizona. I don't need permission and since when has this been our child? You didn't want her before and I DON'T WANT HER NOW. "

"Say her name."

"No."

"Say it Calliope, say it."

"NO."

"Her name is Sofia. Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres. That's what you named her and now you're telling me you can't even say it. You want even look at the child you carried for six months. The child you swore you would protect is what to you now? Huh, Callie?"

"She…it means nothing anymore. Nothing means anything anymore." Callie said as if she was trying to convince herself. It pained me to see her turn her back on the same little girl who was her whole world just days before. Her princesa was no more. She refused to even acknowledge her daughter like she was an unmentionable disease, a taboo.

It was scary and sickening to see this side of Callie. After months of arguing with me over the idea of starting a family, she was ready to give it all up. I wanted to hit her for being so selfish, for not considering how something like this would change my life. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that she wasn't allowed to leave after making me want something I never asked for or dreamed of. I never wanted children, never needed any. I was okay with it being just Callie and I, kick ass surgeons with Harper Avery's, a house, a dog, and some chickens. But, I changed my mind. I heard Sofia's heart beat and I just knew. I knew she was supposed to be my daughter. Callie made me want it. I didn't want a family, but I wanted a family with Callie and now we had it. She couldn't give up.

"You need help, and really hope you get it because until you can accept our child and love her like she deserves to be love, I am not going to remain here with you. You may not care, but that's my baby in there and nobody is taking her from me."

"You can have her..it…whatever."

"It's sad, you spent all this time searching and praying for acceptance from your parents hoping they would love you despite your differences, and now you're turning your back on our baby. You're no better than them." Slamming the door of the peds on call room, I made my way back to room 405.

Room 405: Sofia Torres' room. Today I wasn't here as a doctor, or any other capacity, except a worried mother. Today I was here as Sofia's Mama and my heart was breaking. In the bed, lay my sweet girl, my reason for smiling, laughing at the silly nurses how were catering to her every whim. It was hard to believe so much time had passed since her birth and I was loving every second of being her mama.

18 months, 14 days, and 7 hours ago, she came into this world amidst an ongoing battle to save not only her life, but the life of her mother. It had been my idea to take Callie on a baby moon and relax for a while before we became full time surgeons and first time parents. Just as soon as everything was going well, everything was thrown to the lions with no caution to the wind. A car crash left me virtually unscathed with only minor injuries, Calliope and our unborn child bore the brunt of the damage. The entire hospital banded together to get them into surgery and save them both.

Sadly, Sofia and Callie both needed much more than just surgery. Sofia, being premature and having a relatively low birth weight was confined to the NICU, while Calliope was in the ICU. I still remember the first day Calliope opened her eyes after surgery, the same brown eyes that had always captivated me. I knew she was in pain, but the first thing she asked about was her baby. Our baby. Our Sofia. I was exhausted and between Sofia, Callie, and work I hadn't slept in days. Still, hearing her call out for us, for our family, gave me the energy to push through.

The first time she held her, I knew Callie was made to be a mother. She looked at Sofia with so much love and compassion that I swore I'd never measure up to being as in love with her as Callie was. Sofia was strong and she made it through, Callie said she was our "little miracle". And for a while, domestic bliss with our happy family was the name of the game. Callie, Mark, and I showered Sofia with as much love and attention as our hearts could garner and when there seemed to be no more left to give, she'd smile her gummy smile at us and we'd fall in love all over again. We moved on. Lexie and Mark worked things out, Callie and I got married, Sofia was spoiled rotten. We were happy, happier than we'd ever been. For just a short while, we had achieved perfection.

Unfortunately, all that changed when Mark died six months after Sofia was born. Sofia lost a parent and Callie, a best friend. While we had never been close, I had grown to admire and respect the father that Mark was to Sofia. He may have mad terrible decisions in his personal life, but he was a good person. Without him, I wouldn't have even had the little girl who'd stolen my heart. And for that, I wanted to mourn. But, I was not afforded the luxury of feeling grief because Calliope was distraught. She lashed out and bitched at me for the better part of two months. When it seemed that there was nothing left to throw or scream about, she left me. Not literally, no, she was still living and sleeping with me every night in our apartment. She was detached, cold, not my Calliope. The only bright spot in our marriage was Sofia. She seemed to be the only thing we could agree on.

Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres. My baby girl was sick. Sick just sounded so much better than the actual problem. Sick made it seem like it would get better. Sick made it seem like just a phase. Sick made it seem temporary. But, I knew. I knew deep down that this wouldn't pass. With all that had happened, was happening, I wasn't ready to accept it. I wasn't ready to face what I knew was true. Sofia was not infallible. Sofia was disabled. I saw all the signs, tracked them over time subconiously at least, and I still wasn't prepared to hear the doctor say those words.

Looking into those beautiful brown eyes, mirror images of her mother's, I smiled. Sofia is still the same little girl I held in the NICU, read to at night, fed bottles at three in the morning. She was still my daughter. She still made me be the best mother I could be for her. Nothing had changed, not really. Still, it seemed like everything had changed. Sofia came in to the hospital with a fully devoted pair of parents, and three days later she was still here with an absent parent and a diagnosis of spastic dipelgia cerebral palsy.

"Hey, sweet girl. How's my superstar today?"

"Mama!" She exclaimed looking around as if she were searching for someone else. "Mami?"

"Mami is busy right now but she sent kisses for you." I said attempting to sound happy, even though my voice was breaking and I felt like crying.

"Mama cy?" Sofia asked.

"Oh no, Mama's okay. I'm just so happy to see you. Have you gotten bigger, where's my Sof?" I said tickling her as she squirmed and laughed. Our family that was once the epitome of domestic bliss was falling apart. I didn't know what to do, and right now I didn't care. I knew I'd have to make some decision's soon. But for now, I was going to relish in the perfection of my daughter's laugh, the most magical sound I had ever heard. The most perfect pick me up ever.

_Callie POV_

I couldn't breathe.

I had that feeling like after you go ten rounds with Tyson and he gut punches you before he bites off your ear.

Okay that's a lie.

I don't know how that feels. But I do know that there is no way I can come back from this. After months, months, of pain and loss I finally thought I could breathe again. I lied to myself. I can't do this anymore. I have nothing left to stand on. I used to be the hospital's token bisexual and my lesbian psychodrama was the topic of every nurses lunch conversation. Then I had to work with a baby daddy and a lesbian lover. Which was not how I planned it…believe me, I didn't plan it. Nobody can plan anything that fucked up. Now my baby daddy is dead and gone, my wife has gone crazy, and I don't even want to think about that baby.

So I'm back where I started, staring at the wall of my bedroom, laboring to breathe. Why was my life so messed up. My mother said I would be punished and she was right. God was pulling out his best cards for me. If I had just stayed with George none of this would have happened. He would be here, Mark would be here, There would be no Arizona, Sofia, car crash, estranged family…none of that. I want George back.

George was easy. It wasn't perfect, but it was easy. I want easy. I want uncomplicated. I want to have babies and a happy family and I'm tired. I'm so tired of being hurt and tired. I just want easy. I want to leave, but leaving means I have to leave them all behind. No more Derek, Meredith, Bailey, Karev, Avery, Kepner…all of them.

Wrapping my body tighter around my body, I shook off the pervading chill. I had to make a decision, figure out the next step, but for right now I'd just lay here and try to figure out why life kept throwing me curveballs until my stomach settled. I don't want to stay but I need to be whole before I can go. My life was falling apart…oh well, nothing new there.


End file.
